Fort Myers Beach Mayor Larry Kiker
For a classic Who are you going
to believe, me, or your own eyes?-style Liar of the Month, the Scoreboard
presents Fort Myers Beach Mayor Larry Kiker.
When Kiker learned from a reporter
that his towns fire chief, Scott Janke, was married to an up-and-coming
porno movie star, he called an emergency meeting of the town council that
culminated in Janke being fired, using a no-cause provision in his contract.
Why fire him? Because, in Kikers own words, we were addressing…a situation
where we weren't going to be able to govern the town with all the
disruption and interruption, the disruption arising from, of course,
the racy occupation of the fire chiefs wife. (She performs under the
name of Jazella Moore, and is the star of Cock Pit 3, coming soon
to your video store, in case youre interested.)
But rather than take responsibility
for the decision, Kiker—hilariously—denied that it was based on what
he continued to say the decision was based on. "We didn't
fire him because his wife was a porn star," Kiker told the Associated
Press. Indeed, he added that "It was not his job performance. We
all liked Scott … He's a good guy."
Hmmm. So the chief is a
good guy, and his job performance is good…wait a minute, why is he being
fired again? I know a no-cause clause means that no good reason needs
to be cited for termination, but is the mayors position really that Janke
was fired just for the hell of it? He woke up one day and thought, Oh,
heck, I think we should fire good old Scott. Hes not even saying that
though. He told the AP that the firing was because the town sages worried
that there would be disruptions and publicity that would get in the way
of the chiefs work, and theirs. Disruptions caused by….the fact
that the chiefs wife starred in porno films! Which means, using the
transitive principle of causation and logic, that Janke was fired because
of his wifes career choice. But because it is obviously unfair and unethical
to fire an effective employee because of his or her spouses occupation,
Kiker is sticking to his characterization of the dismissal as something
else, even though the facts, the sequence of events, and his own statements
prove that it isnt.
Now theres a novel way
to build a reputation for honesty, candor and integrity! Well, now, let
me think about that. Are you really lying when you make no effort to disguise
or hide the facts that prove the falsity of your statement? You arent
fooling anyone, nor can you reasonably expect to. But if denying what
your own concurrent statements make plain is the case isnt lying, what
do we call it? Stupidity? Cowardice? Delusion? Humor? Performance art?
Whatever it is, it is sufficient for a well-earned Liar of the Month.